\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n
A curse on those living gourmet lives, with perfect kitchens and perfect knives,
\nand pretentious food served up on slate, cos they\u2019re too damn cool to eat from plates.<\/p>\n
A curse on the kitchen nouveau-riche, who think that class is a well-made quiche,
\nmay their aspirations be in vain, may their cooking bring them only pain\u2026<\/p>\n
May their gravy be all lumpy, may their custard be all bumpy,
\nmay their perfect hollandaise decide to split.<\/p>\n
May their pies have soggy bottoms, may their raspberries be rotten,
\nmay their maple syrup pancakes fail to flip.<\/p>\n
May there be Stinking Bishop\u2019s cheese in their Banoffee Pie ice-cream,
\nmay their sycophantic souffl\u00e9s just not rise.<\/p>\n
May the slicer take their finger, may the smell of burning linger,
\nmay their spotted dick be full of big black flies.<\/p>\n
May their jus be less than juicy, may their coulis be uncool and
\nmay they burn the bacon when they\u2019re making brunch.<\/p>\n
May their micro-greens be macro, may there noodles taste like nachos,
\nmay their piquant, pan-fried pork lack any punch.<\/p>\n
And TV chefs must stand accused of interfering with our food,
\nHairy Bikers, John Torode and all the rest.<\/p>\n
Worrell-Thompson, Jamie, Ramsay, even Whittingstall\u2019s gone rancid,
\nand its them I really blame for all this mess.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s wine in every god-damn meal, and olive oil, and citrus peel.
\nThere\u2019s no end to what they tell us we should eat.<\/p>\n
Mix in some spicy chilli flakes, add crumbs of smiles that must be fake,
\nthen garnish with some bowlfuls of conceit.<\/p>\n
Old Mary berry sold her soul, for a designer arctic roll,
\nand so women everywhere began to scream.<\/p>\n
Bloody cup-cakes now bring status, so we\u2019ve all turned baking sadists,
\nand Paul Hollywood\u2019s the cook that got the cream.<\/p>\n
TV chefs may make a living, out of chopping, stirring, sieving,
\nbut the dishes \u2013 we will never, ever make.<\/p>\n
They can take their slow-roast scheming, and their gastronomic dreaming,
\nand shove it in their gobs until it bakes.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Jessica Wortley<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00a0 A curse on those living gourmet lives, with perfect kitchens and perfect knives, and pretentious food served up on slate, cos they\u2019re too damn…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1735,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[6],"tags":[269],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1703"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1703"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1703\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1732,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1703\/revisions\/1732"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1735"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/archive.nclacommunity.org\/content\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}